this is a love song in my own way
by Silverflare07
Summary: Drake writes his first song about Josh just before Josh moved into his room. He writes his fiftieth song about him just after they have the 'best Christmas ever' and his ninety-seventh song about him just after they buy their first house.


So, I know I am pretty much ridiculously late to this fandom. But I found Drake & Josh on my netflix and have watched almost the entire series and I just cannot contain my love for this two boys. Or my amazement that Dan gets away with half the things he gets away with on that show.

I was watching the pilot (which was actually one of the last episodes I saw because I couldn't find it anywhere) and this hit me and refused to leave me alone until it was written. Every song that has a title (except the first and last one) is an actual song written by Drake Bell, although "I'm Not Sharing my Room with Josh" was mentioned in the pilot. Obviously, Drake didn't actually write those songs about Josh so you may have to suspend a little belief when reading the fic. Hopefully it's not too bad though.

Enjoy!

oOoOo

The first song Drake ever writes about Josh is terrible. It's called "I'm Not Sharing my Room with Josh" and he writes it before he even really knows the boy and even the lyrics aren't very good because no good word really rhymes with Josh. He doesn't really get past the first verse. Mostly because Josh moves in before he can get farther and even he's not mean enough to write a song like that when said boy is sitting on his bed. Even if he is clipping his toenails.

oOo

The second song Drake writes about Josh is much friendlier and much better sounding than the first. Drake calls it "I Found a Way" and he's really proud of it and himself. He has written other songs for his band before, but this is the first one that's good, like really '_get them noticed_' good and Drake almost can't believe he's the one who wrote it.

It turns out that Josh is actually a pretty good stepbrother. His bear hugs are actually kind of nice, as long as no one is around to see it. He has Drake's back and doesn't seem to mind covering for Drake's mistakes as long as Drake looks (and feels) appropriately sorry and guilty and takes care of Josh if he's physically injured in any way (Drake's beginning to learn that his new stepbrother gets injured a lot, but he doesn't mind. He kind of likes taking care of him).

oOo

The third song Drake writes about Josh is just after the 'Susan fiasco." It's about asking for forgiveness and trust and how one person shouldn't (can't) break what is so unbreakable (he's still ridiculously proud of "I Found a Way"). But it sounds so much like a love song that it kind of freaks Drake out and he scraps it before he gets past the first chorus.

oOo

The tenth song that Drake writes about Josh is, well Drake doesn't really remember exactly when he became inspired to write it. He writes it over the course of a month, usually late at night when he should be sleeping, but it's the only time that Josh won't ask questions and Drake doesn't want Josh asking questions about this song. He remembers playing it for Wendy, his number one fan though.

It's not about her at all, of course. It's about finding someone who makes Drake feel like the best version of himself and how he wants to see that other person do the same, hopefully because of him. He thinks he started writing it about the time that he realized that he wasn't just spending time with Josh because he had to, but because he wanted to. It happened shortly after he looked at Josh and realized what a good friend he had become. Josh wasn't just his stepbrother, he was his friend.

He titles it "Down We Fall," because he knows in his heart that this is the start of something big. And he was a little afraid of just where that something is going to take him (them).

oOo

The fifteenth song that Drake writes about Josh comes to him shortly after Drew and Jerry are off to Hollywood to star in their own TV show. It's a song about jealousy and friendship and maybe a little bit something more if you squint (which is why he took Josh's name out of it) and Drake wants to rip it up and throw it away because it says a little too much about his friendship with his stepbrother. It's really good though, so Drake keeps it and pretends that his own "Drake-ness" is his only muse and stubbornly refuses to meet Josh's questioning eyes the first time he plays the songs in a set.

But Drake's music doesn't lie. In fact, it's more honest than Drake ever is and he (and Josh probably) knows that this song isn't about just his stepbrother. It's about his best friend.

oOo

The twenty-third song that Drake writes about Josh is after they get back from Hollywood. It's about fear and finding comfort in the oddest places (although it's sort of the one place Drake has known it would always come from, from the very first '_Hug me, brotha!'_). It also about the desire to protect what's important to him at any cost. And the end of course, is about how even the worst experiences can lead to the greatest if you have the right person looking out for you.

He's halfway through writing it when he realizes that he uses the pronoun 'he' a lot and has to make the conscious effort to make sure every pronoun is 'she' from then on. It's not that he thinks writing a song about Josh is that big a deal (Josh is a big part of his life after all), it's just that he's afraid the music will say too much, too loudly, and he's not sure either of them are ready for what that might mean. But they've gotten to the point where they can just look at each other and know they each want a hug, without words. Drake's not sure if that's entirely good, but that kind of relationship, one where you don't always need words, that _is_ good and he wants to remember it always, just in case it doesn't last.

oOo

The twenty-fifth song that Drake writes about Josh is after he thinks their whole family is going to get torn apart. Of course, it turns out the Walter's affair was really a job offer that he hadn't been sure if he should accept. But for a few terrifying seconds (_days_), Drake is certain that the worst is going to happen and that the first thing that has made him really happy since his dad had left is going to dissolve right before his eyes. Even after the whole situation has resolved itself, Drake can't forget that creeping feeling of dread and he starts jotting down lyrics in an attempt to clear his mind.

The song is supposed to be about missing his new found family and the sense of completion they bring his life. Of course, after the second verse it becomes clear that the song is all about Josh and how much he wants to stay living with his brother, best friend, and whatever else it is that Josh is becoming.

oOo

The thirty-second song that Drake writes about Josh happens after their disastrous appearance on the Dr. Phyllis show. It still irks him that she'd only had them focus on all the bad times he and Josh had had in the past. And even though they still fight all the time, Drake knows that when push comes to shove, Josh will always be there for him and he will always be there for Josh. The song ends up being about how no matter what kinds of fights they get in, they will always be outweighed by the good times.

He's actually written down lyrics that say, in a none too subtle way, that no matter what happens he is never going to leave Josh (and yes he used his stepbrother's name), when he hears Josh's footsteps on the stairs. He takes one look at the door before frantically ripping up the paper and shoving it into a drawer until Josh leaves again, where it joins an large pile of songs that he's just not ready to share with anyone, even (_especially_) Josh, yet.

oOo

The thirty-third song that Drake writes about Josh comes to him shortly after he forgets Josh's birthday and has to practically beg Julio for Oprah tickets (and he'll be doing Julio favors for a long time), but it is more than worth it because he has never seen Josh so happy about anything. He is so excited about it, in fact, that he'd grabs Drake and kisses him. It was a spur of the moment thing, but Drake can't forget the feeling that flitted across his mind in between the shock that it was happening and the horror in the knowledge that Megan is there and she has a camera.

So, like everything else that gets stuck in Drake's mind, he turns it into a song. It's a song about a new sensation that tickles the back of his mind. A sensation that leaves him smiling like a fool and willing to do just about anything to feel it again. He manages to keep any names out of it and is sure that all the pronouns are 'she.' He still waits nearly three months before he lets anyone, even his band, see it.

oOo

The thirty-sixth song that Drake writes about Josh is after he finds out that Mindy is in love with him. Something inside him dies a little when Josh tells him and he immediately turns on 'playboy Drake' to cover it up. As soon as he has a second alone he whips out a notebook and begins writing and is only half aware that the lyrics he's scribbling are all about jealousy and wanting what you can't have. He doesn't show anyone, he knows he never will, but it helps to just be able to write it down.

He sets the paper on fire and as he watches the lyrics slowly disappear he wonders if Josh has thought at all about the implications of the fact that when Mindy told Josh she loved him, he had slammed the door in her face and ran to find _him_.

oOo

The fortieth song that Drake writes about Josh isn't actually about Josh at all. He writes it in an hour, after baring his soul to Josh and their entire chemistry class, after changing out of his soaking wet clothes and into his pajamas, after realizing that Josh really wasn't going to come after him, really was _done_ with him. The song isn't about Josh, it's about how he imagines Josh must see and feel about him. It's not a happy song, all about what it must be like to have a constant annoyance, a problem that you cannot seem to get rid of.

He looks at the words on the paper and tries not cry. He's been fighting tears since he broke down in school and he wonders when Josh's presence became a necessity. He can't figure out when his stepbrother became as important as breathing. All he knows is that somewhere a long the line he learned to want to be with his stepbrother. Came to crave the bear hugs that freaked him out so bad in the beginning. Came to want (_need_) everything that made Josh _Josh_ in his life. This feels a little (_a lot_) like drowning and Drake realizes he would have probably drowned a long time ago if he hadn't had Josh to keep him up. He doesn't know when he forgot how to 'swim' without Josh and realizes that maybe he never actually knew. Maybe he was just keeping his head above water until Josh came along and taught him, among a million other things, how to stay afloat.

oOo

The forty-first song that Drake writes about Josh is actually about Josh this time. He stays up all night writing after their epic ping-pong game. He still can't believe that Josh has really forgiven him. That Josh is willing to give up the new found sense of peace that he seemed to have without Drake in his life. Josh doesn't seem to want to talk about it, about what exactly went through his mind when he forgave Drake, but Drake needs to celebrate somehow, because this is one of the best feelings of life, second only to playing for Zero Gravity and playing live on TRL, both of which are tied for first in Drake's book of "Most Amazing Moments Ever" (_both of which are thanks to Josh_).

He calls the song "Makes Me Happy" and doesn't just sound a little too much like a love song: it is a love song and Drake is okay with that because, honestly, everything he's written about Josh has sounded a little too much like a love song and it's all been leading up to this, to Drake accepting it.

oOo

The fiftieth song that Drake writes about Josh comes to him while they're lying side by side in their cheese covered front yard having the 'best Christmas ever!' Everyone has gone home, even Mindy, and Drake wonders if Josh notices that at the end of every adventure, no matter what happens or who was involved, it's always just Drake and Josh. Josh says something and Drake responds and they end up wrestling though it's more playful than spiteful. Josh pins Drake down; his growth spurt and diet have really put Drake at a disadvantage in their fights. They stare at each other and Drake thinks they're being ridiculously obvious, and can't he just kiss Josh already, _please_?

But Josh gets up with no kiss and so Drake showers and then writes a song. He calls it "I Know," because, well, he does know and he knows that Josh knows too. For appearances, he makes sure the song isn't too obviously about Josh, because Josh is smart and he can figure things out while the rest of the world just enjoys the music.

When he plays it for the first time for Josh, they're alone in their bedroom and Drake lets his eyes wander until he gets to the chorus a second time, because from then on the song it just completely about Josh. He makes sure he keeps eye contact with Josh the whole time and can almost see the gears in Josh's head turning. The second time he sings "_only a fool couldn't see through us"_ he can see something shift and watches as understanding settles into Josh's eyes.

He doesn't even get to finish the song before Josh is kneeling in front of him and smiling so big Drake feels like this moment might even outrank Oprah in Josh's mind. He puts down his guitar and they stare at each other for a few seconds before they're suddenly kissing with the kind of intensity that Drake has never kissed with before.

A few hours later, after they're both laying wrapped up in each other's arms, Drake realizes that it's probably a good thing Josh never let him finish the song. The last line mentions love and while Drake knows that's what he feels, it might be good for both of them if they wait awhile before talking about that.

oOo

The sixty-fourth song that Drake writes about Josh is the first song about him that actually gets finished since "I Know." He is happier than he's ever been and he thought the music would just flow, but it hasn't. Drake's not too worried about it though; he's too busy being happy to worry about it. Until graduation. Josh has been talking about different colleges for a while, but they've been too busy being _DrakeandJosh_ for Drake to really worry about it. But now, now there are a stack of letters from colleges, thick letters, and they're all addressed to Josh and Drake just _knows_ what they say.

Josh can barely contain his excitement and in a rare moment of un-Joshness, doesn't see how much it hurts Drake. It's not like Drake expected them to live over the garage for the rest of their lives, but the reality of Josh suddenly being somewhere, anywhere that isn't with Drake can't be ignored and it kills him that Josh doesn't seem to be bothered by it. And suddenly he's writing a song about goodbyes and distance and heartache. He plays it for his band and one of them, Drake doesn't know who, gives a copy of it to Josh. Josh listens to it and then spends the night with Drake wrapped in his arms while all of Drakes secrets tumble off his lips. Josh still wants to go to college, and Drake would never stop him, but his promises that they'll never be apart, not really, make Drake fell a hundred times better.

oOo

The seventy-third song the Drakes writes about Josh is when they're both living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment in New York. It turns out that Josh was right all along. Drake is living his dream of being a rock star, or he's working on it at least. He called in that favor the MTV director from L.A. had promised him and he's on his way to having a nice contract with Spin City Records. He's still doing small gigs, but he _knows_ he's on his way. The best part is the Josh is living in New York with Drake and living out his dream. Somewhere along the line (Drake's not really sure when) Josh decided that he wanted to follow his passion and flair for cooking and one of the best culinary schools in the country happened to be in New York.

This particular song comes to Drake the night that Josh finishes his first semester of school. He comes home as thrilled as Drake has ever seen him. He takes out a bottle of wine and cooks them dinner. He knows better than to let Drake cook anything or their apartment might catch fire. They share drinks and lobster and kisses and it's almost perfect. Then Josh looks at him over his wine glass and tells him he loves him. And then it is perfect. And it's no surprise that his next song (and the next six or so after it) is all about love and life being wonderful and perfect and how he's never been happier in his life.

oOo

The eighty-second song that Drake writes about Josh is all about nerves and making the most important decision of his life. He wants to play it for Josh even though he doesn't have the money for a ring yet. Except instead of a ring Drake was planning on buying a diamond earring for Josh, since he doesn't wear rings. He doesn't have the money for that either, but he's too excited and nervous to wait until his not quite regular checks from the record company allow him to save up the money he needs. Josh is finishing college so most of the financial burden has fallen to Drake in the past year or so. But earring for no, Drake is ready for this step that he's about to take.

He's about to ask Josh to listen to the song, when Josh gets down on one knee and does exactly what Drake had been planning on doing. He sings the song for Josh anyways, and it makes the day that much more special.

oOo

The ninety-seventh song that Drake writes about Josh is just after they buy their first house. It's small but it's all theirs and Drake can't stop the feeling of pride and the overwhelming sense of home that wash over him. It always feels like home with Josh, but standing in the almost empty living room that is twice as big as their old one, Drake is acutely aware of it and how much more real and permanent and just _amazing_ it feels. It's no surprise that he cranks out a song about those feelings in about a day.

He plays it for Josh as they sit in their now appropriately furnished living room, drinking moocha cola, in front of a fire in their very own fireplace. Josh smiles and kisses Drake, a lazy slow kiss that quickly turns into much more. Yes, Drake Parker is most definitely home.

oOo

The one hundred and thirteenth song the Drake writes about Josh is just before their wedding. He sings it at the reception and everyone, especially Josh is teary-eyed by time he finishes. It's about love and happiness and best friends and everything else good and wonderful and he can't stop smiling the entire time he sings it (he can't take his eyes off Josh either, but that's too be expected).

He had wanted to name it "I Love Sharing My Room with Josh," but his mom and dad, Megan, and Grammy are there, and while they've been amazingly supportive and accepting of Drake and Josh's relationship, he doesn't think they need the mental images that would probably accompany that title. Instead he leaves it untitled, because he can't think of any word or phrase that accurately describes all the wonderful things he was singing about, all the wonderful things he feels when he looks at the man sitting in the center of the room.

When he finishes playing, he hops off stage and meets Josh halfway across the dance floor. Before he can so much as open his mouth to ask what Josh thinks, Josh has his fingers in Drake's hair and is kissing him like it's the only thing he ever wants to do for the rest of his. The room breaks out into applause and there's a wolf whistle that Drake strongly suspects came from Grammy, but he's too busy trying not to melt to really think about anything at all.

And he realizes that he should probably just call the song "Josh," because nothing else describes this _thing_. This amazing perfect, wonderful, 'never been happier in all my life' thing that they share. Well, except for maybe "_Drake and Josh_."

oOoOo

There you have it, my first Drake & Josh fic. Send reviews and tell me if you like it. :)


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